As they all are, it’s been a year of lessons based on experiences. The lesson that rings most loudly to me are to avoid toxic people and those that pollute my mind with negative thoughts.
Next lesson is always to have a goal (or set of goals) to focus on & proceed to complete them.
It’s true what they say about experiences making you wise. Unfortunately this year has contained a few to many poor decisions on my behalf, so, although there’s been some bloody good times, it’s been quite stressful on a subconscious level. But on a positive note I’ve also made some good decisions that will hopefully follow me for the rest of my life.
In 2013 I’d like to lose the fear. The fear is of other people being able to ruin my plans out of spite, envy, ego, lack of understanding or plain psychopathy. I want to lose the subconscious stress of having to defend myself from the limitations of other people & proceed to express myself honestly. 2013 will be a year of searching for & facing my inner demons whilst strengthening my character & body. My plan is for this continued focus of bettering myself to lead to confident independence & all the great things that comes with that, and from there enough security in myself to truly devote myself to a lady. - For the sake of my ego (I still haven’t quite conquered getting over the need to stop defining myself), I’m not unconfident in myself or afraid to take risks or challenges, and I appreciate levels of fear will always be there & are good when used as a positive drive. I just want to be sure others do not effect my decisions.
I have my goals for 2013 & won’t be sharing them publicly directly. As the year progresses & the dedication to my goals proves strong you’ll likely see what my goals were. So it is goodbye to the bad stuff in 2012, thank you for the lessons & good times - I will carry those into the new year. Hello to 2013, I hope you don’t mind me bringing a bit of useful luggage from 2012 & I’d like to compliment how green your grass looks.
Elliott Hulse on how being more simplistic will result in more happiness. Strip away the materialism and focus on what your soul is telling you that you want. And the way I’m portraying this personally is this: you can still enjoy the materialistic and tangible things, you don’t have to turn your computer off and read books from a candle if you don’t want to. Just make sure that shit isn’t controlling your life when there’s some sort of itch to be doing something else. Learn how to hear yourself and what you’re telling yourself you need. I look at life as if I’m on a written path and it’s down to my choices whether or not I reach where I’m headed, it’s why I’m with Elliott when he talks about his concepts of being the strongest version of yourself. For me, being the strongest version of myself is insuring I’m guiding my life back to a place of that stripped back happiness, where I can do what the fuck I want to do without any burdens what-so-ever.
My body is just a host between my soul and keyboard… There is no thinking involved, the soul knows how to express itself.
I’m starting to develop an understanding of how we are connected to the universe some more. I often read how we are one with the universe and I’m developing a concept of how this is possible.
The part which particularly struck me in this video was when the psychologist was explaining how the subconscious is a flea where the conscious is an elephant, the elephant will always follow the flea. This got me thinking about articles I’ve read about people who felt like they’d contacted other beings or been in touch with the universe to a more visible degree when using hallucinogenic drugs to allow the subconscious to take over the conscious mind. Maybe it is the subconscious that is most connected to the universe and it’s essentially what some consider the soul. Maybe it’s the subconscious guiding us through our lives and choosing our destiny and if we can learn how to control our subconscious to mastery, we can essentially contact and control the universe…
I know it’s all sounding a bit far out and Avatar but I think with more research there could be something there to study…
The more I read into psychology & mental illnesses, the more it feels like everybody I know has a mental illness of some sort.
I think about speaking to one person I know about another and another about another & about what everybody thinks about everybody else & the way they judge.
It starts to dawn on me when I see the patterns in peoples personalities that what they’re doing when judging or questioning others is exposing their own weaknesses. A lot of manipulation takes place for self-benefit, a lot of slander for raise in ones own self-esteem.
Manipulation of many sorts seem to be firmly lodged in human nature, especially in the society I live & was raised in. I question my trust for others, because even if they believe I’m their friend, they’re still subconsciously trying to bring me down to try to raise themselves.
That’s paranoia. But I know it is & I know that I can’t think like that, that’s what keeps me from being truly paranoid. I clench to the knowledge that there are personalities & cultures in this world that aren’t egotistical & narcissist & will help others even if not themselves. And I can take this belief & share it with others so that they can ponder it consciously & hopefully absorb it into their subconscious, so deep down they’re becoming better people.
Or maybe I’m just a martyr thinking I’m helping others but somehow benefiting myself? Either way, I can’t study my own mind too hard or I’ll find its demons.
It’s actually really hard to have any concept of limitation when you have the internet, and you need limitations in order to set goals… It’s sort of a disillusion and I wonder whether the internet is slowing down my development or assisting with its progress. (Obviously sometimes it’s a given that you’re wasting time on the internet, but I’m more referring to the times when the internet feels like it’s helping… Such as reading/learning, networking for business etc.)
When you try and set yourself goals based on the concept “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are” it’s not easy with access to the internet. You can potentially ‘have everything (in terms of mass consumption at your disposal)’ and ‘be everywhere’ so how do you know what you ‘can do’?! This has prompted me to move into another area of study… Technology & spirituality…
We all have our flaws but some people’s are worse than others. Rather than accept them we should address them & feel more positive as a result. Your personality is not who you are, only a selection of habits you’ve adopted in your time. If something about you is dragging you down, be a different you!
Just watched a BBC series called ‘My Murder’ & it wasn’t a comfortable watch. Sort of done my nut a bit so I’m going to vent about it with one of my reviews which are rarely relevant to the thing I’m reviewing, but more reflecting on how what I’m reviewing coincides with my life.
I’ve been living in this bubble of there being this freedom out there, somewhere you can go when your soul is ready and there’s no troubles and all the things you need in life are there for you because you’ve persisted and worked hard for them, you’ve been a kind and loving person with a non-egotistic nature, so the universe will naturally return positivity to you.
Then somebody recommended me this programme, and if the concepts of the universe being spiritually in touch with the human soul is true then I guess I’d better consider that I’ve been shown this programme for a reason. The first thing that comes to mind, as usually is the case with true story-based programmes is the question: “why the fuck are these people so fucked up and what is their motive for all of this violent nature?” - It’s a question that’s been theoretically answered by people who are far more knowledgeable on the subject than myself.
I’ve seen a friend of mine commenting on the programme and one of the things he said which stuck in my mind was “it wasn’t like the media portrayed, he wasn’t such an angel.” This is sort of what’s got me freaking out a bit about the whole thing. I consider myself a good guy but I keep finding myself in trouble, I feel constantly pented and sometimes have to rebel and do mischievous things, I lose my temper, my sense of composure and sense of care for repercussions; especially after a load of alcohol down the trap. I’ve got good intentions but keep doing stupid things.
This programme has reminded me of my mortality and is making me question if negativity as bad as this could still come to me even if I’m on a positive path.
Earlier this year it felt like to pursue my ‘dreams’ I was being dragged towards moving to London, like that’s where I needed to be and that’s where I needed to go to progress. Brighton seems to have expired its excitement. I used to love the people and the vibe there, but it doesn’t seem the same anymore, or at least didn’t last time I went. Actually, my memories back to the whole night are all entirely dark in setting, but I digress.
So I thought I was moving to London, but then I watched this programme, and remembered everything I previously knew about London before I met the ancient romantic feeling of it that must have been sweat that the old bricks and concrete had swallowed and stored away since the period of men in top hats feeling intense lust for women selling themselves to the night for a bottle of gin to wash away the pain of poverty, arising up into the atmosphere and into my nostrils enticing my passion. London is a beautiful place, but it’s always been dark in nature throughout history. Wabi Sabi.
Tragedy is possibly my greatest fear. The idea of a death being even worse because everything looked so positive.
I can’t end on that note, I’m going to list some positive steps for myself to pull me out of this mind frame.
- Must start a martial art to be able to defend myself better and have a more disciplined mind when it comes to my temper and composure.
- Must continue to search for the city that speaks to my personality.
Many people are ignorant or uneducated, but will still fight for their points even if they’re wrong, because they’ve been taught incorrectly but have still been taught. They must learn to overcome these habits & beliefs themselves, there’s no point trying to argue with them. All you can do is better yourself, and your good will & positivity will radiate & inspire.
I’m starting to think positively as a natural response to things.
I’m trying to help others be more positive and be peaceful with other people.
I’m trying to reject what I think are negative things and people from my life.
I’m trying to be content with my negativity, just feel it and let it pass rather than dwell on it.
But I’ve still got a long journey to go before I get this right.