As a martial artist, I am somewhat reluctant to adopt the cultures of the original place my discipline was created, although many interest me and I adopt them unintentionally. I am not training in Okinawan martial arts to act like an Okinawan. I study their martial arts because they’re documented flooded in history and philosophy as well as just brutal technique. Every culture knows forms of brutal technique, and every culture knows remorse and in my warrior mindset I train with consciousness of that remorse, if conflict can be avoided then it should be.
Unnecessary violence is not the warrior way, it’s about protecting yourself, your loved ones and those who can’t help themselves. The Asian martial arts have documented this. If european Warriors have had done the same maybe I’d be studying their art but this is why I’m studying Okinawan. It’s not about the culture or technique for me, although I appreciate, respect and strive to perfect it, it’s about the discipline and dedication.
This week, or maybe the last three weeks, my mind has been hosting some peculiar thoughts. Every now & again these times come around when I feel unmotivated and what I class as ‘off the rails’. I spend a period of time neglecting the things that drive me as a person and instead focus on degenerative things like drinking and ‘socialising’.
Obviously I have no issue with socialising, in fact I love spending time with my friends and even meeting new people. The problem is, as I believe I have mentioned before, in the culture I’ve grown up in and come to know socialising, it always seems to involve extrovert-based ‘antics’.
It’s not so much the actual examples of extrovert choices of ways to pass time that bother me, such as going out to locations full of people and drinking, or spending time with people I don’t know. What is starting to effect me is the mindset & behaviour of the extrovert people I’m with. - Now don’t get me wrong these people are good friends of mine and I’m not in any way judging them for what they do, it’s all socially kosher stuff and I don’t see it as bad, I’m just explaining here how it effects me.
Things that seem small to them are big to me and things that seem exciting to me bore them. Drama is often exciting and driving for them whereas for me I couldn’t care less about the stresses other people are placing on themselves. The way they approach and converse with other people is very different to how I prefer to. - They will often thrive on small talk and use it to their advantage whereas I prefer a knowledgeable or conceptual conversation. I like to spend time recollecting my thoughts and summarising my night the day after a night out whereas a lot of my friends want to go out and do the same again and get annoyed when I neglect conversation with them. - Something I’m never going to be happy about, personally I don’t think a friend should have an issue with me wanting to have time to myself when I spend a fair amount of time with them anyway.
Another example of where our thoughts differ is on women… They’re always insistent that talking to women requires a formulaic confident small talk and if you’re the most determined and confident man then the girl will be yours for the night regardless of any other contributing factors. This is likely the case for the majority of girls who attend the places we’ve been attending, but they’re not the kind of girls I’d be comfortable spending my time with - even if it was time spent in a sexual manner. Question: Where are all of the more introvert girls? I never seem to meet any… But again that could be because I’m always in extrovert-based places…
As I’ve tried to make clear here, I’m not anti-extrovert and can handle extrovert situations and adapt my personality to fit them but I’m starting to feel less comfortable doing it and notice more what’s happening to my personality lately. When I drink too much in these situations - which is often a result of being in them, the extrovert in me is portrayed, and it’s a very strange adaption of an extrovert, it’s a person somewhere he shouldn’t really be. A lost cause. - Or maybe I really am just ‘growing out of going out’.
Just to proof the pudding of how my composure has slipped recently, I have to admit that I’ve been tooting the tommy toke fairly regularly lately and it’s something I gave up before because it messed my head up. I just forgot to what extent, I remember it being a case of paranoia and panic attacks (something I’ve learnt better how to deal with, even when smoking) - I completely forgot about the nasty trips of some sketchy alter-ego version of myself taking control of my psyche and making me question whether or not I’ve been awake for the past few months or if my life is actually existent. So this shit is going out of my life again.
I think all of this rebelling and passive outbursts of behaviour I don’t even condone is the result of repeatedly neglecting my introvert nature, or feeling compelled to be different to who I naturally want to be because some social vampires insist it’s how I should live. Social vampires in my life aren’t working with my naturally introvert personality. No longer will I allow these people to use their manipulation to make me feel guilty for being who I want to be, if these people continue even after I’ve firmly but friendly said no, they’ve got to be moved out of my life.
Looking back at going out doing these things, I’ve been seeing them as an experiment of what I can handle and what I cannot, and what I can’t handle is going out in extrovert situations too often - I lost concept of who I am as a result of not being able to reflect what I’ve done. I’m now going to focus on accepting and living with my introvert nature and avoiding situations and events where I might try and change myself to fit in better. I’m going to pursue telling my extrovert friends that they should no longer expect me to participate until they stop inviting me and if they continue to not even try to understand me, I’ll take great effort in removing their negativity from my life.
Just watched a BBC series called ‘My Murder’ & it wasn’t a comfortable watch. Sort of done my nut a bit so I’m going to vent about it with one of my reviews which are rarely relevant to the thing I’m reviewing, but more reflecting on how what I’m reviewing coincides with my life.
I’ve been living in this bubble of there being this freedom out there, somewhere you can go when your soul is ready and there’s no troubles and all the things you need in life are there for you because you’ve persisted and worked hard for them, you’ve been a kind and loving person with a non-egotistic nature, so the universe will naturally return positivity to you.
Then somebody recommended me this programme, and if the concepts of the universe being spiritually in touch with the human soul is true then I guess I’d better consider that I’ve been shown this programme for a reason. The first thing that comes to mind, as usually is the case with true story-based programmes is the question: “why the fuck are these people so fucked up and what is their motive for all of this violent nature?” - It’s a question that’s been theoretically answered by people who are far more knowledgeable on the subject than myself.
I’ve seen a friend of mine commenting on the programme and one of the things he said which stuck in my mind was “it wasn’t like the media portrayed, he wasn’t such an angel.” This is sort of what’s got me freaking out a bit about the whole thing. I consider myself a good guy but I keep finding myself in trouble, I feel constantly pented and sometimes have to rebel and do mischievous things, I lose my temper, my sense of composure and sense of care for repercussions; especially after a load of alcohol down the trap. I’ve got good intentions but keep doing stupid things.
This programme has reminded me of my mortality and is making me question if negativity as bad as this could still come to me even if I’m on a positive path.
Earlier this year it felt like to pursue my ‘dreams’ I was being dragged towards moving to London, like that’s where I needed to be and that’s where I needed to go to progress. Brighton seems to have expired its excitement. I used to love the people and the vibe there, but it doesn’t seem the same anymore, or at least didn’t last time I went. Actually, my memories back to the whole night are all entirely dark in setting, but I digress.
So I thought I was moving to London, but then I watched this programme, and remembered everything I previously knew about London before I met the ancient romantic feeling of it that must have been sweat that the old bricks and concrete had swallowed and stored away since the period of men in top hats feeling intense lust for women selling themselves to the night for a bottle of gin to wash away the pain of poverty, arising up into the atmosphere and into my nostrils enticing my passion. London is a beautiful place, but it’s always been dark in nature throughout history. Wabi Sabi.
Tragedy is possibly my greatest fear. The idea of a death being even worse because everything looked so positive.
I can’t end on that note, I’m going to list some positive steps for myself to pull me out of this mind frame.
- Must start a martial art to be able to defend myself better and have a more disciplined mind when it comes to my temper and composure.
- Must continue to search for the city that speaks to my personality.
I initially wrote this out stating a list of things I am fed up with but got to the point in the following & remembered that I’m too oppressed (& brainwashed into thinking that I have to pent all of my feelings) to actually have the balls to flip out and tell the world & the people in it that they’re fucked up and that I don’t comprehend their stupid little socially trained minds and how they can just accept the way things are even if the only sense they make is bullshit. So excuse me for cutting the majority of my rant down to the last part it was initially intended to be, but I just don’t feel to share today.
"…I’m fed up of not talking about the way I feel because I feel like nobody cares or that other people have worse problems than I do. I’m fed up of not achieving the level of success people putting less emotion, feeling and effort into their vocation are reaching. I’m starting to feel old whilst looking at my idols’ early years of success and just feel like I’m failing and that I will never grasp the dream I’ve been battling so hard for for years regardless of how hard I work."
A Mundane Rant About Women.
The love game to many women works like the concept of marketing. A product [or fella] is judged on the basis of how popular it already is, or will become more popular if it has already been owned by somebody with more social status. This may be the reason there is such an abundance of girls appearing stupid by dating men who have already let down numerous amounts of other girls.
I’ve read other explanations for the same issues such as the excitement of the chase and the need for the feel of achievement when a ‘player’ finally falls in love with them & doesn’t want to go with other girls anymore… Personally, I’d rather blame the commercial industries capitalising on independent woman figures & marketing them in a way that makes women value material objects & happiness loneliness by manufacturing music like ‘Girls Just Want To Have Fun’ by Cyndi Lauper or the whole Beyonce thing.
Brainwashing seems to have numbed romance, but it should be strong enough to pull through.