I’ve been a silly little fictional character recently, possibly suffering from personality disorder. (Again.)
Behave yourself. - Hopefully it’s not too late to give myself a slapped wrist and start again with a fresh attempt. I certainly need to do so because I’m seeing myself in the past & asking where my mind was? I feel like I wasn’t really there, I didn’t really do that and if I did it was set up by somebody else to frame me.
I’m distracting myself well & staying unusually positive but every time I’m approached with a challenge to my patience I’m becoming more and more reckless.
And now I’ve lost my iPod. That breathless tension in my chest where I feel like I could just explode & destroy everything and then forget this mundane repetition of working towards the carrot tied in front of my face & just rampage ‘til I drop.
I always got the feeling that writers block was a flaw, a mental block caused by something going wrong in your subconscious causing your creativity to be sapped away. Lately though, I’ve started to realise that some of the mentality flaws I have are seemingly beneficial to my artistic nature. Every time I have real strong emotions over something (which, thinking about it, is always negative emotions; I have yet to feel a positive emotion I considered strong) music just flows out of me without any contemplation or procrastination. It doesn’t matter the reason for the mood I’m in, what sort of new experiences I’ve been through or what different equipment & tools are in front of me. When you’re an artist you will naturally reflect the experiences and emotions you’re attaching yourself to at the time.
But then I consider the fact that I may be getting too attached to these emotions or negativities I value in order to create ‘good art’.
I remember back when I used to cain weed on a daily it got to the point where I was worried to give up smoking weed because I thought it helped my artistic ability. I thought “damn, how am I going to make this chilled out, twisted shit if I’m some well behaved health freak who’s full of positivity?” - Regardless that shit had to go from my life for many reasons and my life and music benefitted (and I never really changed personality wise… I’m still a sort of chilled out but slightly unstable geezer!)
What’s bothering me though is that I’m noticing a connection between the rise in music I’m making that I consider bettering itself and the downward slope my mood is on. I feel like I need to be in a bad mental state in order to make good music.
I keep a record of my mental health state, or basically just write everything I’m thinking down when I feel like shit. I made the effort to read over the past half year of my life or so a couple of nights ago and realised that I’m blind to why I’m feeling the way I am when I feel it. I realised that I am such an idiot to what is going on in my life beyond my perspective at the time. What I thought was going on never actually was, I was stressing myself thinking things were going to happen based on hints that weren’t actually the hints I thought they were. But when I relate this to writers block I think fuck… It’s those exact fantasies and trips of painful confusion that I go on that induce the chemicals to have an artistic outburst.
Positively, I’m glad that I can channel the shit in my head somewhere because if I didn’t involve myself in the arts when I feel like a fucking throbbing forgotten gas cooker of feelings, questions and rage I would just explode in a reckless mess and battle the world physically until it broke me down to a drugged up thoughtless deflated balloon in a straight jacket.
So really, I’m not currently willing to try and make myself any more mentally stable or ‘normal’ to protect myself or further my mundane and conventional future. I’ve just got to make sure I don’t go off the rails with letting my emotion control and guide my life, I am not in rush to have a tragic early-death that many great artists seem to end up facing.
Another way I’ve looked at writers block is a time that’s needed to spend away from being focused on creating something specific, I like to use this time mostly to make shit and experiment, so when that next strong emotion comes along I’m prepared with a bit of new artistic knowledge to play with.
In summary, I think all true artists have to have blocks because they’re all easily emotionally altered or consider emotions more important to the soul and existence than other people. Blocks are just a response to an emotional quiet-time or an emotional experience that’s too easily understood to be substantial enough to make art with.
I read this quote earlier which I think sums up this blog well:
"Only the rare expands our minds, only as we shudder in the face of a new force do our feelings increase. Therefore the extraordinary is always the measure of all greatness. And the creative element always remains the value superior to all others and the mind superior to our minds." ~ Stefan Zweig
I didn’t realise until I took a day off work yesterday, but I’ve actually exhausted myself recently, like literally, I think I may have been on the verge of some sort of physical breakdown because my body was reacting to my brain overload and my brain wasn’t noticing that my body was kicking up, that’s a vicious cycle! I’ve had repeated illnesses lately, something that I don’t really recall ever happening to me before. Nothing serious, first flu (which fucked up my New Year) and now a cold, but enough to grind a few things in my life to a halt. - Something I’m actually quite grateful for because although I still have the cold symptoms, I feel refreshed today as well as recovering…
My brain feels like my own again and is not obsessing so much, over thinking and busying itself so that it doesn’t feel numb and lost.
Since just before Christmas you may have been speaking to an empty shell of sorts, my mind has been elsewhere trapped in a cage with the door open but with a humanoid question mark guarding the cellar outside it. The problem was, I wasn’t fully aware I wasn’t functioning properly… I was still trying to go to the gym every other morning and push harder than I have been, I was giving my brain more productive things to do because I felt like I was wasting time, I’ve got a complete mess of a sleeping pattern because the fall of the sun turns on a bunch of future-thinking mental chemicals that refuse to let me sleep until I write everything down in my mind.
This may be a dangerous move, but I’ve realised that I’m feeling positively comfortable (even more so than in a downer of darkness) living in a borderline between fairy tale & reality. 'The Secret' and all the spiritual stuff related to it that I’ve been intensely reading about says that your mind-state effecting your aura will shape your surroundings accordingly. Right now I’m all about hollywood romance, love at first sight, city lights, ancient architecture, bohemianism, smokey jazz bars, cabarets, culture and steam punk shit, all of which don’t really happen in my life at the moment. So although I love the positivity, I also crave a bit more of the underworld and the outcast culture that lives inside the night.
So here’s the plan for getting over this mini flip out (pretty much my general life rules but getting them back into practice):
1. Focus on increasing fruit intake during day to boost immune system. (Those who know me personally will know of my pineapple fetish - this needs to be eaten more.) I need to up my water intake and eat less shit food.
2. Focus on achieving just 1 positive, productive thing every day after work. I have a massive list of such things that need doing so I can keep myself well occupied. Just one is good, ensures I have no excuses to not be able to complete the task at hand and gives me sufficient time to chill without excessive thought afterwards.
3. Stop going to Thursdays night club, a place of mass attempted slow suicide by the thoughtless serpent pawns of corporate culture where I think I’m going to have a good time but end up drinking myself into a trip of my aggressive self conscious.
4. Save money to learn to drive. Car not so immediately important, but ability to drive one is a must.
5. Save money to move out and gain more space for my mind to breathe. Should also allow for more social activity in the real world that doesn’t involve excessive alcohol consumption.
6. Save money to travel Europe & soak up some culture.
It all sounds so boring like that, but these are all DESTINATIONS, and you know what they say, it’s the journey to these destinations that count. So to me that’s the division between what’s controllable and what’s in fates hands. You can control the destination but the journeys write their own paths like the shapeshifting labyrinth King Jareth’s castle looks out over.