Often, my art is the result of trying to make love to multiple souls to spite the one soul that I want to show love back but doesn’t. The build up of hate, love & sexual energy I encounter in this acidic rampage has to find an abstract way to release & express this frustration. My art is the child of this expression.
A lot of the time people argue their 'truth' because they ‘know’ it to be fact/right/reality. But does believing it benefit them in their environment? Are they doing themselves damage by 'knowing' these truths and, if necessary, conflicting to defend these truths?
What’s wrong with something in-factual being 'reality' if it promotes a more enjoyable 'reality' for somebody to believe it? If you believe it, is it really a point that needs to be expressed and lectured to ensure that others understand it?
Consider that we’re blessed with one life and question whether pursuing to educate others (in a position to educate themselves) is actually a worthwhile pursuit? Should there be (natural but albeit rare cases of) an apocalypse to multiple civilisations did your knowledge really help those that you taught? But to focus on your life and not others is a life that is not wasted! If these species is to survive it will do without knowledge.
In my opinion the only thing worth teaching is encouragement for people to live a life which will benefit themselves without intention to cause harm to others. For this is how we all intend to live, masked with the various structural ideologies we persuade ourselves are beneficial for all. - If all of these ideologies are kept personal and considered advancements for yourself then they are excellent, when tried to be applied to a group of people they lose their strength.
My argument heres is that maybe people should look inside more and focus on how these things they feel they believe effect their decisions and limitations in life rather than considering them reality and projecting them to others.
The silliness of death is a reality. If that’s the case then you should live freely and let no fact deter you from the necessity to allow fluidity, change, chaos, contradiction and conflict to take place. These are what life itself represent and to try and categorise these extremes and questions is a repression!
Fact is, some people use ideologies to benefit their realities, others let them DICTATE them!
I’m majorly inspired at the moment, even to the point that I’m not worried that I’m not spending as much time in the studio as I like. It’s so strong I’m confident as soon as I get in the chair shit just flows. My head has been in a bit of a spin lately, but it’s spun a yarn of artistic subconscious psychedelia that’s just flooding out like my soul is bleeding a spunk of expressive life. Feel like a true artist at the moment.
In my quest for ever-growing self knowledge I’ve stumbled upon gender identity and I’m currently reading ‘The Way Of The Superior Man’ by David Deida. One of the early pieces of advice given touches upon procrastination and how if your calling is telling you that you have to do something you should not hesitate and prepare yourself but to start doing it right now.
How can you do this when it comes to finding the ‘right’ girl? Do you keep working ‘the game’ trying many different women until one sticks? Do you try to pursue diligently with one you think you really like even if she’s not as interested as you’d like her to be? - Obviously from a logical standpoint you would think that if she’s not that into you then you should respect her and yourself enough to let her go. But from the perspective of being a man who should seek to obtain the things he wants in order to be the strongest version of himself, then obtaining love from a woman can become very frustrating.
I can almost recognise that somewhere in that last paragraph is a message to myself to understand that by placing “obtain the things” and “love from a woman” in the same sentence materialises love and makes it superficial. I think it’s important to understand that I’m quite bad at falling for my own idea of who I think a girl is before giving myself a chance to remain calm and collected enough to slowly get to know her and build up a relationship on a solid foundation. I tend to get infatuated too easily and try and rush girls into being with me which can make me seem needy and instantly lowers her interest in me. But does love not seem very stale without infatuation when a relationship is blooming rather than sustaining?
And if she might still be interested but just wants to take it slow, whilst you’re ready to see more of her and learn more about her, what then? Are you not betraying your core by waiting for her to decide when the time is right to spend more time together?
I guess, without forcing you to read between the lines, what I’m honestly saying here is:
1. Should I be spending my time being a man slut and fucking as many girls as possible until one comes along and one day we accidentally make love and we both click then. - The masculine approach that feeds sexual desire whilst further educating me in the subject for female psychology and sex.
2. Or, do I do as my more feminine side might say and continue to let my emotion bother me every time a girl comes into my life? False love could one day bloom into real love & I’m afraid of ruining any chances of that if I move onto another girl too quickly or not show the girl I’m interested in that I’m so interested. This option is also very inspiring for music and writing.
As a predominantly masculine thinker, the first option of course looks more logical, but is it denying the fact that I actually crave the feminine idea of instantaneous passion and bonding? I think this idea of finding a soulmate and instantly clicking is the achilles heel in my masculinity, it’s a very feminine way of thinking and may be letting me down as I seek a very feminine companion who wants to be ravished and showing femininity to her so early may be making her feel that I’m not the strong masculine figure she thought I was - when really I am.
Your woman should never be your main purpose, a woman will respect you more for having your own purpose above her makes sense to me also. I’m not trying to be that guy that makes his woman his everything and forgets all the other aspirations he has for life, so I don’t know if I may give that impression when first seeing women? I just find it confusing getting over that bump at the start of seeing somebody so I can just be myself and get on with my life with a woman in it too. It doesn’t help that because of the awkwardness of everything being rushed in the first place the girls seem to want to slow everything down and not see me for a while so I’m stuck with the thought of it not working out.
Don’t think “just be yourself” is the answer. I’m not trying to be anybody I’m not at any time and in reality I only act as myself. I’m seldom conscious of trying to act differently based on certain ideas, advices or situations I’m in, it’s all a learning curve requiring reflection such as this for me to learn from. I just think it’s a shame the amount of lovely girls who have slipped through my fingers because we never quite got over that bump at the start where I’ve been inclined to rush everything.
"Do you know what your problem is? You think too much." Rings a bell.
That final conversation they had was the best one and it’s one I’m dealing with in my self assessment every day. I’m an artist [primarily] - I make music. That’s my focus. Yet, I’m also a martial artist, which shares equal focus. The problem is, I have a constant battle in my head between being the artist and being the martial artist. I want to express myself in two completely different ways. One side of me wants to be, for lack of better words, melancholic; I WANT to be ‘in the clouds’ very sub-conscious dominant, emotional, to an extent reckless, drunk, adventurous, spontaneous… Then the other half of me wants to be regimented, strict, healthy, strong; equally as much.
It’s hard doing as Bruce Lee says, and these guys are discussing, expressing yourself as an artist healthily (or at least in the area of art I express) without using your body itself as the expression… When the sub-conscious dominant, non-athletic art’s at work there’s a tendency to move towards a less healthy state of mind and body to encourage the soul to cry.
This is the balance I’m working on.
Everybody in this house, likely this whole neighbourhood, I’m tempted to say whole town is off their pickle except me. And I don’t want to be off my pickle. I just wanted a few strong ciders, have a shower and then pass out so that I can get up early tomorrow, go to the gym and then work, because some of us fools have to work at the weekends.
I’m bored of seeing the same fucking shit, I’m trying to push forward so that I can venture new places and enjoy new company, not to say I dislike my current company but I’m longing for a bit of change and want some more class in my life.
I’m strong willed so it’d be harder for me to not try to succeed than it would to give it my entire effort, but sometimes there is a slight temptation to say it’s easy to see how some people digress into doing fuck all all the time. It seems so easy and when lack of aspiration is surrounding you. It’s hard to be somebody who doesn’t want to stoop to those levels. Everything is disciplining my character at the moment.
Another example is that I have given up gluten & lactose and I went to the shop after work (after the pub, where I got searched on the door at 6pm and then offered a pint in a plastic cup of which I told them I wasn’t interested and left) really fancying a ‘treat’ to pull me through to a bit more of a relaxed mind state and they had no dark chocolate or gluten/lactose free goodies. So I just thought “no I’m not going to have the shit food” and just got my ciders for the evening and came home. I come in and see 3 packets of biscuits and a pack of pringles on the table. I battled through and made my dinner. I was still feeling groggy and a bit peed off about an hour later so I gave in and had a couple of biscuits knowing full-well I’d have a dodgy stomach later or tomorrow.
Then I get a lecture from my Mum about random shit. Partly being told I need to start looking to settle down so they can have grandchildren. I repeatedly try to explain that I really want this, I’d love to have a girl and a littlen, but I have these aspirations and commitments that I don’t want to stop for the sake of a relationship, when in a functional relationship I could still fulfil them. But that’s not the point, I know I need to meet a girl and sort that sort of stuff out afterwards. I just don’t really know how to do it to be honest, so I’m trying to make myself the best person I can be so that hopefully the right girl might approach me and we’ll just click. If not then I guess I’ll have to some videos on how to attract women in the conventional, egotistic, seemingly unintelligent and blase ways. I want a lady & eventually child, maybe (naturally) more than anything else. But I don’t want to change myself to do so, it sort of defeats the object.
I’m just surrounded by challenges of society to conform to being a fat, lazy, worthless piece of shit who doesn’t look after themselves, or a coke & steroid head who’s got no imagination. But I refuse to do it, it’s not what I’m about.
As a martial artist, I am somewhat reluctant to adopt the cultures of the original place my discipline was created, although many interest me and I adopt them unintentionally. I am not training in Okinawan martial arts to act like an Okinawan. I study their martial arts because they’re documented flooded in history and philosophy as well as just brutal technique. Every culture knows forms of brutal technique, and every culture knows remorse and in my warrior mindset I train with consciousness of that remorse, if conflict can be avoided then it should be.
Unnecessary violence is not the warrior way, it’s about protecting yourself, your loved ones and those who can’t help themselves. The Asian martial arts have documented this. If european Warriors have had done the same maybe I’d be studying their art but this is why I’m studying Okinawan. It’s not about the culture or technique for me, although I appreciate, respect and strive to perfect it, it’s about the discipline and dedication.
I’ve tried to write this as if it is something that can be shown to people who are experiencing bullying as a way of encouraging them to conquer the bullies, rather than as if I was a parent or teacher giving advise to another as to how bullying can be stopped - something I have no experience of yet.
I’m not somebody who has studied bullying or was ever somebody with a lot of experience in being bullied but I want to express my opinion on it using whatever experience I have and can remember of any times I felt I might have been what is considered bullied.
A possible solution to help solve the problems of bullying could be to ensure that children are taught from a young age to stand up for themselves (in what they believe in and in a physical manner).
I think the main reasons people are targeted for bullying are:
Because they’re physically inferior (or less developed) when compared to others their age.
Because they’re less strong charactered and less likely to stand up for themselves if they were to be targeted.
Because they’re a stand-out different from the norm, the current fashion or society as a whole.
When I was younger (probably since the first time I complained that I’d had some sort of physical confrontation with another person) my parents always said not to start confrontations but be sure to stand up for yourself if attacked. I completely condone this advice and very much believe in the concept that if somebody is trying to harm you then you have the right and should do whatever you can to stop the assailant in their tracks to the point where you can avoid any more harm coming to you. I will be teaching my future children to never let anybody try and bully them, teach them the basics of self defence and even encourage them to learn a martial art.
In the wrong circumstance in any area of life (such as facing a violent criminal or other opponent you cannot ‘control’ in a greater sense) you’re not given the option as to whether or not the threat should be allowed. It’s a threat, and a threat that only yourself can deal with at the particular time, and maybe the most important thing to keep in your mind at the time, as you should not rely on others to help you. Bullies should be considered threats and are clever in the sense they will pick times they wish to attack you, therefore you should not listen to those who tell you to not retaliate and report bullying (it should be done, but don’t let that stop you defending yourself first).
Now, I’m not being ignorant to the fact that bullying isn’t always physical, it’s often words. What needs to be remembered, as hard as it sounds - is it’s just loose words. Tell them to say it to your face whilst looking you in the eye, and if they do - warn them sincerely that if it continues then you’ll smash them in the mouth; learn a few things to say to people that intimidates them or makes them think twice about attacking you.
There’s two ways of doing this:
First is to actually become combatant. Take up a sport which involves contact such as rugby or boxing so that you’re physically prepared to fight. - More specifically, take up a martial art.
Or - you can develop a side of your personality, an act if you like, who is hard and a borderline bully him/herself. The important thing is to remember is this act is not needed when you’re not under threat, think of them as your war paint that you only put on when you’re under attack. Try to learn some aggressive lines from the bullies themselves so you’re speaking their language or watch a few gangster movies and adopt the expressions (I use gangsters as an example because they’re an example of bullies in every age of modern society and also often a source of [bad] influence for the bully-type, so they’ll see you as something they relate to. They’re also seldom physically fit but still know some dirty fighting tactics.)
From standing up to their insults they’re either going to attack you (which might hurt, but you’re equally capable and entitled to hurt them back which makes the pain a bit more bearable) or carry on talking, of which you can laugh off and walk away from because they don’t have the bottle to follow it up and everybody who’s seen the bullying (it’s usually egotistical and they want people to see) will now see that they’re not willing to back their words up. If it does come to a physical attack hit them to hurt them (there’s usually a ring leader and his cronies, if the cronies get involved go for them too but they’re usually too shocked so you can get away without attacking them), don’t think twice about it and don’t stop until you can get away and then report what happened. If it turns out you’re to blame, at least you’re not getting a beating on your own without doing anything to protect yourself and hopefully taught a bully it’s not wise to bully you.
If you get the better of somebody bullying you in public then hopefully it should make others think twice about trying to bully you in the future. Problem is, there’s always those who want to test your patience and try to draw you into a bad place where you’d be the one to blame. You need to learn how to be a good person with morals and temperament, but somebody who will not hesitate to defend those morals.
The times when I feel I experienced anything close to bullying in my life was when I was purposely doing things out of the norm or fashion of the time (such as dressing in black metal fashion when the fashion of the time was bright pink Lacoste polos and blue tracksuit bottoms). I never changed my beliefs, fashion, hobbies or interests as a result of it not being popular or people finding me weird. What I did was; over time stuck to my guns telling people I liked something because I could and if they had a problem then f**k them. I found a good set of friends who were (and still are) loyal and reliable so that I was rarely on my own and an easy target and I learnt to appreciate and understand things that other people like so that I could relate to and enjoy an array of different interests and friends. You don’t have to be the same as everybody to be socially accepted, what you have to be is willing to do is have an open mind to try to experience what other people enjoy and if it doesn’t work for you, people won’t disrespect you because you proved that you tried enjoying it and it wasn’t for you. If they don’t respect you then they’re people that you shouldn’t be spending any time with and if you can’t avoid them then it should be clear that you don’t appreciate their disrespect and that you will stand up for yourself if they pursue any confrontation. Stay out of their way, or if you can’t and they insist on attacking you in any way, respect yourself, morals and beliefs enough to defend yourself.
You should never feel bad about being a respectful and considerate person, practise this all the time. Even respect a bully enough to walk away from a fight if you get the better of them. Just remember you equally shouldn’t feel bad about defending yourself, in every way.
Disclaimer: If somebody who is being bullied has referenced this in their defence for defending themselves from being bullied and you want to blame me then you’re probably a coward confined to a stupid system which gives you false security and doesn’t protect you, yourself. Are you a teacher? Can you imagine being surrounded by a group of late-teen students who are threatening to attack you physically whilst you’re on your way to your car on your own and nobody is around? Fight or flight response. Do you take the beating and report it later, if you live? Or do you do what you can to defend yourself and get away? Don’t let these systems blind you of the fact you have one life and you have the right to protect it, regardless of what the paper says.
Streamlining Evolution (the concept of evolution occurring based on the adaptation of a species removing assets not necessary for survival in order to make better use of other resources) seems like a dead interesting concept. The only information I can find on it is this though:
"Devolution", the verb "devolve" and the past participle "devolved" are all common terms in science fiction for changes over time in populations of living things that make them less complex and remove some of their former adaptations. The terminology used herein is nontechnical, but the phenomenon is a real but counter-intuitive one, more accurately known as streamlining evolution. Since the development and maintenance of a feature such as an organ or a metabolite has an opportunity cost, changes in the environment that reduce the utility of an adaptation may mean that a higher evolutionary fitness is achieved by no longer using the adaptation, thus better using resources. This requires a mutation that inactivates one or more genes, perhaps by a change to DNA methylation or a methionine codon. Streamlining evolution allows evolution to remove features no longer of much/any use, like scaffolding on a completed bridge.
However, “devolution” in practice typically refers to changes that occur from a problem no longer existing rather than superior solutions existing. For instance, of the several hundred known species of animal that live their entire lives in total darkness, most have non-functional eyes rather than no eyes. This is due, for instance, to deterioration of the optic nerve. It occurs because mutations that prevent eye formation have low probability. However, several eyeless animal species, such as the Kauai cave wolf spider, who live in total darkness, and whose ancestry mostly had eyes, do exist. Together with gene duplication, streamlining evolution makes evolution surprisingly able to produce radical changes, despite being limited to successive, slight modifications.”
It reminds me of Bruce Lee’s quote: “Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.”
Obviously I don’t condone Charles Manson’s psychology, to be honest I’ve only just started researching into what he was about. But I just found a weird coincidence that so much of what he was saying in this interview is exactly the same as I watched in this interview with Will Smith later regarding positive thinking…
Will Smith Interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUlPVCbKCOo&list=WL75FB4FFED48630E7
The magic of art is that you can compensate down to the most minimal of tools if you practice enough.
As they all are, it’s been a year of lessons based on experiences. The lesson that rings most loudly to me are to avoid toxic people and those that pollute my mind with negative thoughts.
Next lesson is always to have a goal (or set of goals) to focus on & proceed to complete them.
It’s true what they say about experiences making you wise. Unfortunately this year has contained a few to many poor decisions on my behalf, so, although there’s been some bloody good times, it’s been quite stressful on a subconscious level. But on a positive note I’ve also made some good decisions that will hopefully follow me for the rest of my life.
In 2013 I’d like to lose the fear. The fear is of other people being able to ruin my plans out of spite, envy, ego, lack of understanding or plain psychopathy. I want to lose the subconscious stress of having to defend myself from the limitations of other people & proceed to express myself honestly. 2013 will be a year of searching for & facing my inner demons whilst strengthening my character & body. My plan is for this continued focus of bettering myself to lead to confident independence & all the great things that comes with that, and from there enough security in myself to truly devote myself to a lady. - For the sake of my ego (I still haven’t quite conquered getting over the need to stop defining myself), I’m not unconfident in myself or afraid to take risks or challenges, and I appreciate levels of fear will always be there & are good when used as a positive drive. I just want to be sure others do not effect my decisions.
I have my goals for 2013 & won’t be sharing them publicly directly. As the year progresses & the dedication to my goals proves strong you’ll likely see what my goals were. So it is goodbye to the bad stuff in 2012, thank you for the lessons & good times - I will carry those into the new year. Hello to 2013, I hope you don’t mind me bringing a bit of useful luggage from 2012 & I’d like to compliment how green your grass looks.