A Paradox Of Pursuing Success

I think that a trait of mine which can equally be considered a flaw as well as a positive is the paradox of wanting to be the best I can be (which is a limitless pursuit). This is a paradox because you positively try to push for better things but in doing so it’s extremely difficult to maintain appreciation for who you are now, you’re equally weakening your self-belief & groundedness because you never feel satisfied with yourself chasing an endless pursuit.

Here is where I’ve found meditation helpful. It reconnects me with my grounded being and provides the clarity for me to hone in on the positive aspects naturally in everyday state. It prevents me from burning out and allows me the time needed away from the underlaying debris of thought in my subconscious. It’s crazy, when I meditate regularly; even my dreams change. (But that’s for another blog.)

“One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head, as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means that you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.” - Eckhart Tolle

Relating enlightenment to psychopathy. Sometimes I feel that to feel free from ego feels like freeing from all control.

One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head, as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means that you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.” - Eckhart Tolle

Relating enlightenment to psychopathy. Sometimes I feel that to feel free from ego feels like freeing from all control.

Celebrity Sex

I just hate celebrity culture as a whole. It brainwashes people into thinking things should be a certain way which is completely unrealistic. It’s porn culture without the sex, like porn is sex without the emotional connection of lovemaking.

Learning About The Opposite Sex, Not The Opposition

A lot of girls are going through some fucked up post-feminist time now where they think their ‘payback’ to men is to talk about only accepting big dicks in their lives and their dominance and independence “because all men talk about big tits and use derogatory terms against women”. But they have no need to feel inadequate or rejected in general. There will always be good men out there as well as bad, the same as with women. But don’t let society dictate to you who you should be falling for (sensually, sexually, love or lust). It’s your decision and your body to have a good time with.

All that’s happening by women taking an aggressive, strong, dominant and revengeful approach to their personality is that they’re becoming more masculine which fucks up the balance. They’re coming from a place of hate for the opposite sex and then wonder why they end up not working with certain guys, or in a more cliche text: attract negative guys. 

Just like with most energies in this world, polar opposites attract or repel. There has to be a negative and positive, there has to be a more tender and emotional person in a relationship and a more dominant and logical person. This is not to say there should be a more dominant and ‘obedient’, there should always be equal power, but it’s only human for a man to want to provide for and protect their woman and it’s only human for a woman to want to cherish, support and be cared for.

If a lady doesn’t want to be that way inclined, that’s fine. But don’t expect to be happy in a relationship with a man who is also dominant and decisive, strong and hands-on. In this circumstance, the only way your relationship is truly going to work is if the man is more feminine than yourself: more emotional, more dependant, more needing etc. 

just because we’re attracted to the opposite sex and they confuse us definitely does not mean we need to be resilient to them. It seems this is what internet and media culture teaches us we’re supposed to do, but NO NO NO the way forward is as it’s always been: experiment, accept, enjoy, feel, be free with one another.

We’re all fools to each other for not just accepting each other the way we are. Be chill. Enjoy each other’s company and everything else becomes pleasurable.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeMy3gTUkKc

The Joy Of Egotistic Companions

If you just accept and be happy for people who are egotistical or over-confident and not see them as a threat to your ego or identity then you’ll probably find those people exciting to be around, if you let the self-esteem, confidence & high energies wash over you then you will feel a lot better than somebody who fights the perceived threat and turns it into a negative.

A lot of fuck ups in this world come from people listening to their ego’s telling them something is offensive or threatening to their identity. Identity isn’t real, it can’t be hurt. Even other people’s perceptions of you don’t exist if you don’t allow them to. The only things that are real are what you allow to be.

Next time somebody is being what you consider a jerk in the sense of over-confidence take a step back and ask why you feel that way. Is it on a societal level, so they’re expressing themselves out of the normally excepted spectrum and is that really so bad (if they’re not aggressive in nature)?

Is it your own ego telling you it’s being threatened? - in my experience if you don’t allow yourself to be threatened when your ego feels it; that can prevent escalation to aggression or hostility because it keeps people in a higher state but in a positive manner. Higher state shared with another creates a bigger field of higher energy to draw from.

It’s a discipline, to be aware of (and a lot of the time overriding) that voice in your head. It’s a massive protection mechanism to keep you comfortable, and comfortable in civilisation is not being happy or healthy. Don’t be a programmed slave to your brainwashed consciousness. Take back control of your mind and learn to override your conditioned autopilot.

Watching Celebrity Juice Tonight

I have always been the person who avoids this at all costs. I’ve seen it as mind pollution brainwashing society to act like fucking soulless, tunnel-visioned morons. But just went downstairs and it was on and thought why I take myself and everything else so seriously sometimes? If I’m truly to be free from societal norms then I need to allow my mind the freedom to not take things seriously; and also to rise above the bullshit that sometimes is spurted out that is detrimental to my preferred paradigms. 

As an extreme example, it’s about becoming that guy who has a gun to his head backed by a frantic lunatic and you can just shrug your shoulders, careless of whether it happens or not and when the perpetrator realises your lack of raised energy it instantly calms them down.

As a less extreme example, it’s about becoming the guy who can take all kinds of abuse from a girl they’re with, her saying some real dark shit and smashing things up; and you just shake your head look her in the eyes and appreciate her emotions whatever they are and have the clarity of mind to handle the situation.

It’s about not letting shit outside your own energy effect you in any way. 

"I go beyond the fears and limitations of other people"Elliott Hulse

"Other peoples opinions of me are none of my business." - Unknown

Coming back to Celebrity Juice - when I did watch it tonight, I found a lot of it funny. This reminded me that I need to sometimes spend time watching things that are comedic and take a break from the serious self-progressive stuff I’m usually well into and just take some time to laugh and be silly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a stiff… 80% of my day is made up of banter and if people aren’t into it then they usually don’t stick around my presence long. I love to have a laugh and people know me that way, but there’s always room to elevate that state when rooted deep into my character is a driven, focused and self-improving virtue. 

I’m not even trying to make a funny programme deep here, or compromising with myself for enjoying it. I’ve just realised that it’ll benefit my character to be comfortable enough that watching/listening to/participating in something will not be enough to change my character, virtues and purpose. Once you get the foundation of those things down anything you do will only help you improve your being.

Calm Down

I can’t keep up with my ego’s lust for the taste of adrenaline and intense social stimulus, or what I thought was a higher state; it’s very mentally draining. Sustained artificial high then a massive crash to recuperate. Emotional roller coaster. Going out to try and find a reason not to anymore. Calm down. Alcohol eliminates virtuous character. Lose a sense of self, purpose and directional focus. Peaked too early and my egotistical cruise control kicked in. If there’s elements of regret it can’t be healthy.

If we are not secure enough in our own inner structure, we will rely on our performance in the outer world to bolster our self-confidence. And because the need for this bolstering is so great, our behaviour will gravitate toward the compulsive. The man who becomes obsessed with “succeeding” has already failed. He is desperately trying to repress the Masochist within him, yet he is already displaying masochistic and self-punishing behaviours.
Living In The Zone

Sometimes you set yourself to a task, you commit and everything just falls into place. You’re on a winning streak with your projects or objectives, you feel at the top of your game and your energy levels are soaring. I’ve seen it mentioned as a few different terms, memorable ones are:

  • "the state"
  • "the now"

But I’ve (and so does Kanye) always called it ‘the zone’. When you’re in the zone, you’re immortal. Nobody can stop you, all of your senses are heightened, your mind is clear, you’re creative, you’re free, you’re quick, you’re full of energy.

This morning it dawned on me, we should aim to always be living in the zone. This is the key to success, with everything! 

Too often I head fuck myself and don’t trust myself to do the things that I am good at. I lower my own self-esteem as a result of [over]thinking. I question myself if I can still do things if I haven’t done them for an amount of time, so I get obsessive and compulsive about practicing. This is something I do in everything in my life. I lose trust and confidence in my own abilities.

Why do I do this? It’s a result of years of mind conditioning for defence and comfort, until the past year I’ve never known the skill of witnessing my own thoughts in a mindful and analytic way. Whenever I’ve considered my thoughts in the past I’ve thought about them, spiralling into more thoughts and more considerations. A clouded mind full of thoughts (which aren’t even real), there’s no room for clarity, no room for spontaneous thoughts to occur. 

When you allow your mind this space I’m talking about, by spending time NOT thinking [meditating], you naturally somehow occasionally get thoughts pop up which wouldn’t have occurred if you were in an escalator of non-stop thought. 

"The mind then gives form to the creative impulse or insight. Even the great scientists have reported that their creative breakthroughs came at a time of mental quitetude." - Eckhart Tolle

But this clarity and mind space doesn’t only happen when you meditate. Meditation is practice of obtaining this clarity by focusing on nothing but the present moment, letting your thoughts be and then letting them leave by witnessing them. When you start practicing doing this on a regular basis you start to bring the techniques into everyday life. 

'The zone' is coming from a state of mind without thoughts interrupting your flow and fluidity. You can succeed, be creative and be physically expressive without hindrance because your thoughts are not there to tell you not to or that you're not good enough to. 

I’m now going to start focusing on living in the zone as much as possible.

  • I’m going to trust myself that I can do the things I’m good at.
  • I’m going to start practicing being brutally positive about myself. I have no reason to have a low self esteem, I’m confident so shouldn’t let my mind have these periods where I stop believing in myself and let my thoughts control me.
  • I’m going to continue practicing meditation to ensure I’m giving my mind room to be quiet and clear.
  • I’m going to continue practicing all the things I enjoy and am good at so that I’m always staying on top of my game.
  • I’m going to continue looking after my health and aiming towards a  stronger & more powerful body. It’s important I remain strict about health choices & training so that I don’t give myself an excuse to let my mind tell me I’m being lazy and becoming less than my potential..
Getting Tracks ‘Finished’ & Not Stalling On A ‘Great Loop’

I was recently having a discussion about getting tracks finished. I’ve now realised a lot of it for me is leaving it looping all night and doing other shit. My mind trances out to the repetitiveness & it starts imagining melodies etc that aren’t there and that’s how I progress with the track… I just add those sounds in at different parts of the structure, take bits out here and there and then make mid sections where I can really go nuts with longer melodies rather than just loops.

I always get what Owen is saying when he talks about this “attractiveness/abundance” thing, but sometimes I can’t help but feel that it doesn’t coincide with the people who are in amazing relationships where it did happen ‘organically’ (without psychological analysis or technique) & they didn’t put themselves back into ‘abundance’ by spending sensual time with other people. This bit always stumps me, although I am mindful it’s a bit of a romanticised scenario my head is making up.

Sometimes my idea of the game is that sometimes the analysis is less needed than you think it is when you’re trying to make pickup artists’ advice seem logical. As I’m finding throughout my entire life lately, maybe thinking so logically all the time is more damaging than good. Being comfortable and self-amusing in all situations is about letting go of the inner dialogue, overthinking, planning and just being in the moment, being in the present. This is what Owen is saying but in a more scenario-based context. It’s about getting away from those ideas of what you want from women, what your mind tells you this woman is, or how much you’ve connected with this woman. It’s more about being mindful of not letting your mind spiral off into romanticisations  & fantasies so that you can just let things be without getting too attached [to the outcome]. 

It’s another example where 'enjoy the journey, for the destination is an end' is applicable.

Over-analysis can be left to the pick up artists who want to teach others. A lot of the game is just experience & time, as is most of life. Enjoy time with women, don’t get too attached & when you’re experienced enough you’ll fall into the right relationship. 

Expression & Melancholia: Functional Life Vs Artist Life

Should I let experiences harden my defences against emotions? I don’t know if I should try to disconnect from emotions in order to grow. So often we’re told that bottling up emotions or ignoring them is not the answer, but I’ve seen men fail and weaken and their paradigm and actions change as a result of their emotions. 

As an example, I have a never-ending battle with the ‘romance’ in melancholia. I feel it is a key component to my artistic nature, I feel it is a key component to my sensual nature and my personality. I feel like without this sad side to romance it’s just not as heartfelt. I listen to a lot of melancholic, soulful music. I don’t ever want to change that, I’m a sucker for that shit.

But when I couple this ‘hopeless romantic’ fantasy with real life it can be quite damaging. Although it’s quite refreshing to feel sad sometimes, I don’t want to go through life having really passionate infatuations that always end & leave me lonely again so that I can make art about it. I want to eventually find my girl and settle down and be happy, drawing on only past experiences, the odd inevitable sad time & external views of other peoples experiences & feelings. 

Sometimes we need to detach from our personality to go deeper into our personality. That sounds a bit like inception but what I’m trying to outline is that you’re always subconsciously aware of who you are and who you want to be, so conscious changes to live or think differently will not damage your core virtues or personality, you’re never really changing yourself; just disciplining your weaknesses more & changing bad habits as you learn they’re damaging to you. Being emotionally vulnerable is not something I generally am (although I have my times being so, which as I said is all down to my passionate nature & longing for romance), so I am going to learn to not let it dictate my actions & feelings outside of controlled environments. I want to start channelling my more vulnerable energy into something I’d only let express itself pissed up listening to loud music, locked away in the studio, or occasionally with a girl I could trust. I don’t want to be sharing loose emotions where I’ve headfucked myself in weak moments and I’m not being myself. I know I’m a strong person & if I want to be strong for a girl as well as myself then I need to be more in control of how my emotions dictate my actions. A girl already has a pussy, she doesn’t need two.

Essentially I’m working towards being a more passionate man, less emotional.

As a slight counter-argument, part of me believes it’s moments of weakness that makes you battle to be stronger because without that weakness you’d have no desire to heal and get stronger. That weakness may be looked at as your driving force, what gives you strength, what gives you purpose. It’s balance again.

This is only a reflection of thoughts, not a conviction to myself that “I’m not going to let myself feel any emotion any longer, I need to be strong & cold.” It’s just different ways of looking at how sometimes I’ve been out of character due to emotional clouding of my thought process & how I can think about staying true to myself in such circumstances.

Seeking A ‘Sticking Partner’ & Age Differences

I recently had a conversation with a female friend about finding a ‘sticking partner’(I know, it’s like asking a fish about fishing!). We were discussing how younger girls are ‘less mature’ and after a time period of messing around with ‘bad guys’ they eventually seek out a more secure partner. But she also made a point to say that age gaps are relevant because once that girl has found that ‘settled down’ mindset, a slightly older guy might be more ideal for her.

This made me contemplate some of the things I’ve learnt about maturity. I think maturity is an overrated concept. It’s just people knowing more about themselves as time goes on, experience and wisdom coupled with a suppression set on people by society. As you reach your mid-twenties your prefrontal cortex (logical brain) becomes more active, whilst your limbic system (emotional driven brain) takes a back seat. This is why a lot of 27 year old rock stars lose faith and have breakdowns and kill themselves, because they become ‘too mature’, lose their immediate sense of creativity and appreciation for external beauty. When you reach this sort of age you have to start practicing being more emotional and detached from your mind, you have to work up to having fun & getting excited - it’s not quite so easy to be in 'that zone' straight away. I think this is especially true for men, because being stuck in your head and boring is not attractive to women, women being a key element to one of the primary needs for most men.

I also read sometime that girls age quicker and feel more inclined to settle before they feel ‘expired’ and their beauty starts to decline. Men have less of a problem with this, we don’t have set expiry dates, we can keep going as long as we can keep a stiffy!

So, later in life if single, I could be enjoying a flux of girls getting scared they’re going to lose out before they start aging and because I look younger than I am but would have the experience and 'maturity' of somebody older, I could be onto a winner.

Do we think this track is actually her not feeling confident she’s going to commit to her infatuation (or who’s infatuated with her), or do we think the song is a bit ironic and she has actually fallen for this guy and doesn’t want to let herself commit incase of the consequences (a la 10cc - I’m Not In Love)?