I’ve been a silly little fictional character recently, possibly suffering from personality disorder. (Again.)

Behave yourself. - Hopefully it’s not too late to give myself a slapped wrist and start again with a fresh attempt. I certainly need to do so because I’m seeing myself in the past & asking where my mind was? I feel like I wasn’t really there, I didn’t really do that and if I did it was set up by somebody else to frame me.

I’m distracting myself well & staying unusually positive but every time I’m approached with a challenge to my patience I’m becoming more and more reckless. 

And now I’ve lost my iPod. That breathless tension in my chest where I feel like I could just explode & destroy everything and then forget this mundane repetition of working towards the carrot tied in front of my face & just rampage ‘til I drop. 


Exhaustion & Fairy Tales

I didn’t realise until I took a day off work yesterday, but I’ve actually exhausted myself recently, like literally, I think I may have been on the verge of some sort of physical breakdown because my body was reacting to my brain overload and my brain wasn’t noticing that my body was kicking up, that’s a vicious cycle! I’ve had repeated illnesses lately, something that I don’t really recall ever happening to me before. Nothing serious, first flu (which fucked up my New Year) and now a cold, but enough to grind a few things in my life to a halt. - Something I’m actually quite grateful for because although I still have the cold symptoms, I feel refreshed today as well as recovering…

My brain feels like my own again and is not obsessing so much, over thinking and busying itself so that it doesn’t feel numb and lost. 

Since just before Christmas you may have been speaking to an empty shell of sorts, my mind has been elsewhere trapped in a cage with the door open but with a humanoid question mark guarding the cellar outside it. The problem was, I wasn’t fully aware I wasn’t functioning properly… I was still trying to go to the gym every other morning and push harder than I have been, I was giving my brain more productive things to do because I felt like I was wasting time, I’ve got a complete mess of a sleeping pattern because the fall of the sun turns on a bunch of future-thinking mental chemicals that refuse to let me sleep until I write everything down in my mind.

This may be a dangerous move, but I’ve realised that I’m feeling positively comfortable (even more so than in a downer of darkness) living in a borderline between fairy tale & reality. 'The Secret' and all the spiritual stuff related to it that I’ve been intensely reading about says that your mind-state effecting your aura will shape your surroundings accordingly. Right now I’m all about hollywood romance, love at first sight, city lights, ancient architecture, bohemianism, smokey jazz bars, cabarets, culture and steam punk shit, all of which don’t really happen in my life at the moment. So although I love the positivity, I also crave a bit more of the underworld and the outcast culture that lives inside the night. 


So here’s the plan for getting over this mini flip out (pretty much my general life rules but getting them back into practice):

1. Focus on increasing fruit intake during day to boost immune system. (Those who know me personally will know of my pineapple fetish - this needs to be eaten more.) I need to up my water intake and eat less shit food.

2. Focus on achieving just 1 positive, productive thing every day after work. I have a massive list of such things that need doing so I can keep myself well occupied. Just one is good, ensures I have no excuses to not be able to complete the task at hand and gives me sufficient time to chill without excessive thought afterwards.

3. Stop going to Thursdays night club, a place of mass attempted slow suicide by the thoughtless serpent pawns of corporate culture where I think I’m going to have a good time but end up drinking myself into a trip of my aggressive self conscious. 

4. Save money to learn to drive. Car not so immediately important, but ability to drive one is a must.

5. Save money to move out and gain more space for my mind to breathe. Should also allow for more social activity in the real world that doesn’t involve excessive alcohol consumption. 

6. Save money to travel Europe & soak up some culture.

It all sounds so boring like that, but these are all DESTINATIONS, and you know what they say, it’s the journey to these destinations that count. So to me that’s the division between what’s controllable and what’s in fates hands. You can control the destination but the journeys write their own paths like the shapeshifting labyrinth King Jareth’s castle looks out over.