This week, or maybe the last three weeks, my mind has been hosting some peculiar thoughts. Every now & again these times come around when I feel unmotivated and what I class as ‘off the rails’. I spend a period of time neglecting the things that drive me as a person and instead focus on degenerative things like drinking and ‘socialising’.
Obviously I have no issue with socialising, in fact I love spending time with my friends and even meeting new people. The problem is, as I believe I have mentioned before, in the culture I’ve grown up in and come to know socialising, it always seems to involve extrovert-based ‘antics’.
It’s not so much the actual examples of extrovert choices of ways to pass time that bother me, such as going out to locations full of people and drinking, or spending time with people I don’t know. What is starting to effect me is the mindset & behaviour of the extrovert people I’m with. - Now don’t get me wrong these people are good friends of mine and I’m not in any way judging them for what they do, it’s all socially kosher stuff and I don’t see it as bad, I’m just explaining here how it effects me.
Things that seem small to them are big to me and things that seem exciting to me bore them. Drama is often exciting and driving for them whereas for me I couldn’t care less about the stresses other people are placing on themselves. The way they approach and converse with other people is very different to how I prefer to. - They will often thrive on small talk and use it to their advantage whereas I prefer a knowledgeable or conceptual conversation. I like to spend time recollecting my thoughts and summarising my night the day after a night out whereas a lot of my friends want to go out and do the same again and get annoyed when I neglect conversation with them. - Something I’m never going to be happy about, personally I don’t think a friend should have an issue with me wanting to have time to myself when I spend a fair amount of time with them anyway.
Another example of where our thoughts differ is on women… They’re always insistent that talking to women requires a formulaic confident small talk and if you’re the most determined and confident man then the girl will be yours for the night regardless of any other contributing factors. This is likely the case for the majority of girls who attend the places we’ve been attending, but they’re not the kind of girls I’d be comfortable spending my time with - even if it was time spent in a sexual manner. Question: Where are all of the more introvert girls? I never seem to meet any… But again that could be because I’m always in extrovert-based places…
As I’ve tried to make clear here, I’m not anti-extrovert and can handle extrovert situations and adapt my personality to fit them but I’m starting to feel less comfortable doing it and notice more what’s happening to my personality lately. When I drink too much in these situations - which is often a result of being in them, the extrovert in me is portrayed, and it’s a very strange adaption of an extrovert, it’s a person somewhere he shouldn’t really be. A lost cause. - Or maybe I really am just ‘growing out of going out’.
Just to proof the pudding of how my composure has slipped recently, I have to admit that I’ve been tooting the tommy toke fairly regularly lately and it’s something I gave up before because it messed my head up. I just forgot to what extent, I remember it being a case of paranoia and panic attacks (something I’ve learnt better how to deal with, even when smoking) - I completely forgot about the nasty trips of some sketchy alter-ego version of myself taking control of my psyche and making me question whether or not I’ve been awake for the past few months or if my life is actually existent. So this shit is going out of my life again.
I think all of this rebelling and passive outbursts of behaviour I don’t even condone is the result of repeatedly neglecting my introvert nature, or feeling compelled to be different to who I naturally want to be because some social vampires insist it’s how I should live. Social vampires in my life aren’t working with my naturally introvert personality. No longer will I allow these people to use their manipulation to make me feel guilty for being who I want to be, if these people continue even after I’ve firmly but friendly said no, they’ve got to be moved out of my life.
Looking back at going out doing these things, I’ve been seeing them as an experiment of what I can handle and what I cannot, and what I can’t handle is going out in extrovert situations too often - I lost concept of who I am as a result of not being able to reflect what I’ve done. I’m now going to focus on accepting and living with my introvert nature and avoiding situations and events where I might try and change myself to fit in better. I’m going to pursue telling my extrovert friends that they should no longer expect me to participate until they stop inviting me and if they continue to not even try to understand me, I’ll take great effort in removing their negativity from my life.
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I didn’t realise until I took a day off work yesterday, but I’ve actually exhausted myself recently, like literally, I think I may have been on the verge of some sort of physical breakdown because my body was reacting to my brain overload and my brain wasn’t noticing that my body was kicking up, that’s a vicious cycle! I’ve had repeated illnesses lately, something that I don’t really recall ever happening to me before. Nothing serious, first flu (which fucked up my New Year) and now a cold, but enough to grind a few things in my life to a halt. - Something I’m actually quite grateful for because although I still have the cold symptoms, I feel refreshed today as well as recovering…
My brain feels like my own again and is not obsessing so much, over thinking and busying itself so that it doesn’t feel numb and lost.
Since just before Christmas you may have been speaking to an empty shell of sorts, my mind has been elsewhere trapped in a cage with the door open but with a humanoid question mark guarding the cellar outside it. The problem was, I wasn’t fully aware I wasn’t functioning properly… I was still trying to go to the gym every other morning and push harder than I have been, I was giving my brain more productive things to do because I felt like I was wasting time, I’ve got a complete mess of a sleeping pattern because the fall of the sun turns on a bunch of future-thinking mental chemicals that refuse to let me sleep until I write everything down in my mind.
This may be a dangerous move, but I’ve realised that I’m feeling positively comfortable (even more so than in a downer of darkness) living in a borderline between fairy tale & reality. ‘The Secret’ and all the spiritual stuff related to it that I’ve been intensely reading about says that your mind-state effecting your aura will shape your surroundings accordingly. Right now I’m all about hollywood romance, love at first sight, city lights, ancient architecture, bohemianism, smokey jazz bars, cabarets, culture and steam punk shit, all of which don’t really happen in my life at the moment. So although I love the positivity, I also crave a bit more of the underworld and the outcast culture that lives inside the night.
So here’s the plan for getting over this mini flip out (pretty much my general life rules but getting them back into practice):
1. Focus on increasing fruit intake during day to boost immune system. (Those who know me personally will know of my pineapple fetish - this needs to be eaten more.) I need to up my water intake and eat less shit food.
2. Focus on achieving just 1 positive, productive thing every day after work. I have a massive list of such things that need doing so I can keep myself well occupied. Just one is good, ensures I have no excuses to not be able to complete the task at hand and gives me sufficient time to chill without excessive thought afterwards.
3. Stop going to Thursdays night club, a place of mass attempted slow suicide by the thoughtless serpent pawns of corporate culture where I think I’m going to have a good time but end up drinking myself into a trip of my aggressive self conscious.
4. Save money to learn to drive. Car not so immediately important, but ability to drive one is a must.
5. Save money to move out and gain more space for my mind to breathe. Should also allow for more social activity in the real world that doesn’t involve excessive alcohol consumption.
6. Save money to travel Europe & soak up some culture.
It all sounds so boring like that, but these are all DESTINATIONS, and you know what they say, it’s the journey to these destinations that count. So to me that’s the division between what’s controllable and what’s in fates hands. You can control the destination but the journeys write their own paths like the shapeshifting labyrinth King Jareth’s castle looks out over.