Everybody in this house, likely this whole neighbourhood, I’m tempted to say whole town is off their pickle except me. And I don’t want to be off my pickle. I just wanted a few strong ciders, have a shower and then pass out so that I can get up early tomorrow, go to the gym and then work, because some of us fools have to work at the weekends.
I’m bored of seeing the same fucking shit, I’m trying to push forward so that I can venture new places and enjoy new company, not to say I dislike my current company but I’m longing for a bit of change and want some more class in my life.
I’m strong willed so it’d be harder for me to not try to succeed than it would to give it my entire effort, but sometimes there is a slight temptation to say it’s easy to see how some people digress into doing fuck all all the time. It seems so easy and when lack of aspiration is surrounding you. It’s hard to be somebody who doesn’t want to stoop to those levels. Everything is disciplining my character at the moment.
Another example is that I have given up gluten & lactose and I went to the shop after work (after the pub, where I got searched on the door at 6pm and then offered a pint in a plastic cup of which I told them I wasn’t interested and left) really fancying a ‘treat’ to pull me through to a bit more of a relaxed mind state and they had no dark chocolate or gluten/lactose free goodies. So I just thought “no I’m not going to have the shit food” and just got my ciders for the evening and came home. I come in and see 3 packets of biscuits and a pack of pringles on the table. I battled through and made my dinner. I was still feeling groggy and a bit peed off about an hour later so I gave in and had a couple of biscuits knowing full-well I’d have a dodgy stomach later or tomorrow.
Then I get a lecture from my Mum about random shit. Partly being told I need to start looking to settle down so they can have grandchildren. I repeatedly try to explain that I really want this, I’d love to have a girl and a littlen, but I have these aspirations and commitments that I don’t want to stop for the sake of a relationship, when in a functional relationship I could still fulfil them. But that’s not the point, I know I need to meet a girl and sort that sort of stuff out afterwards. I just don’t really know how to do it to be honest, so I’m trying to make myself the best person I can be so that hopefully the right girl might approach me and we’ll just click. If not then I guess I’ll have to some videos on how to attract women in the conventional, egotistic, seemingly unintelligent and blase ways. I want a lady & eventually child, maybe (naturally) more than anything else. But I don’t want to change myself to do so, it sort of defeats the object.
I’m just surrounded by challenges of society to conform to being a fat, lazy, worthless piece of shit who doesn’t look after themselves, or a coke & steroid head who’s got no imagination. But I refuse to do it, it’s not what I’m about.
I initially wrote this out stating a list of things I am fed up with but got to the point in the following & remembered that I’m too oppressed (& brainwashed into thinking that I have to pent all of my feelings) to actually have the balls to flip out and tell the world & the people in it that they’re fucked up and that I don’t comprehend their stupid little socially trained minds and how they can just accept the way things are even if the only sense they make is bullshit. So excuse me for cutting the majority of my rant down to the last part it was initially intended to be, but I just don’t feel to share today.
"…I’m fed up of not talking about the way I feel because I feel like nobody cares or that other people have worse problems than I do. I’m fed up of not achieving the level of success people putting less emotion, feeling and effort into their vocation are reaching. I’m starting to feel old whilst looking at my idols’ early years of success and just feel like I’m failing and that I will never grasp the dream I’ve been battling so hard for for years regardless of how hard I work."