A Paradox Of Pursuing Success

I think that a trait of mine which can equally be considered a flaw as well as a positive is the paradox of wanting to be the best I can be (which is a limitless pursuit). This is a paradox because you positively try to push for better things but in doing so it’s extremely difficult to maintain appreciation for who you are now, you’re equally weakening your self-belief & groundedness because you never feel satisfied with yourself chasing an endless pursuit.

Here is where I’ve found meditation helpful. It reconnects me with my grounded being and provides the clarity for me to hone in on the positive aspects naturally in everyday state. It prevents me from burning out and allows me the time needed away from the underlaying debris of thought in my subconscious. It’s crazy, when I meditate regularly; even my dreams change. (But that’s for another blog.)

Alcohol & Motivation

I once told a councillor (training me in motivational interviewing) during role-play that the main reason I found it hard not to drink was because it helped me with inspiration in my creative endeavours. I said this in complete fantasy as I’ve never considered myself dependant on alcohol (especially for making music).

Earlier this evening I really wanted to make a track. Now, I’m not one to get writers block anymore because when it arises when I have the rare time to make music I just battle through it & if the result turns out poor then it’s not the end of the world; I can abandon it and come back to it at a later date to reassess. 

Only lately I have not been biding my time to get into making music. It’s something I love doing, it’s something I’ve always associated my personality with being connected to, but lately for the first time ever in my life I have been second-guessing it.

Frankly, I’m annoyed that I’ve not reached the levels of success I’ve wanted to be at at this stage in my life. I’m sad that I’m not getting the attention I was a couple of years ago although my technical skill and heart in the music has gotten so much better. I am starting to feel like I’ve failed at succeeding making my art my vocation. 

Because I’m training (in Karate) nearly every day weekly, trying to find time for my social life and have to allow time for my mind to rest I don’t really allow time for music anymore. It’s one of my key purposes in life and priorities but because I’m not finding this time I feel like I should be closing the doors on it; which would kill a part of me inside - a huge part. I am an artist.

It’s definitely not all a downer musically, some great things are happening with my music life lately I just let the logical, ‘right now’ & monetary areas of my mind attack and numb my creativity. 

But then I had a glass of wine for the first time since last Saturday. It’s almost exactly like when you’ve not had sex or masturbated for a period of time and you come back to it and everything feels (or tastes) amazing and you unleash a major pent up energy.

I could almost instantly feel the creative buzz flowing through me, there was no second thoughts about starting a new project it just had to be done.

My subconscious spoke to my councillor. Why does it take alcohol for me to become what my soul beckons I do? 

“One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head, as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means that you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.” - Eckhart Tolle

Relating enlightenment to psychopathy. Sometimes I feel that to feel free from ego feels like freeing from all control.

One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head, as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means that you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.” - Eckhart Tolle

Relating enlightenment to psychopathy. Sometimes I feel that to feel free from ego feels like freeing from all control.

Celebrity Sex

I just hate celebrity culture as a whole. It brainwashes people into thinking things should be a certain way which is completely unrealistic. It’s porn culture without the sex, like porn is sex without the emotional connection of lovemaking.

Email To A Pal: Psycho On Cue

You don’t want to be a psycho on cue anyway. The difference between us lately is that I’ve focused too much on trying to be naturally expressive, when I am naturally expressive now anyway so if there’s any sort of motive behind it, it becomes narcissistic in a way that appears too aggressive. 

When I was hitting much better with my game late last year and earlier this year I was still cocky, confident and banterful but I was more focused on sensuality, passion and emotional waves when the openings arose. So I used the banter to open and then progressed through with that into more mature or sexy conversation and touching. I was more aware of the responses I was getting and using them to my advantage, lately I’ve just been oblivious to that and got lost in the high you can get from bouncing around social interactions. But that was never my intention, the whole point of these social interactions were to meet new women in as honest, sociable version of myself as possible.

That’s what you’ve been doing, you’ve hammered approaches when you’re drinking because you’re self-confident when you approach, there’s nothing you can do wrong as long as you ride the emotions and keep the interaction going and not get thrown off by their tests etc.

Learning About The Opposite Sex, Not The Opposition

A lot of girls are going through some fucked up post-feminist time now where they think their ‘payback’ to men is to talk about only accepting big dicks in their lives and their dominance and independence “because all men talk about big tits and use derogatory terms against women”. But they have no need to feel inadequate or rejected in general. There will always be good men out there as well as bad, the same as with women. But don’t let society dictate to you who you should be falling for (sensually, sexually, love or lust). It’s your decision and your body to have a good time with.

All that’s happening by women taking an aggressive, strong, dominant and revengeful approach to their personality is that they’re becoming more masculine which fucks up the balance. They’re coming from a place of hate for the opposite sex and then wonder why they end up not working with certain guys, or in a more cliche text: attract negative guys. 

Just like with most energies in this world, polar opposites attract or repel. There has to be a negative and positive, there has to be a more tender and emotional person in a relationship and a more dominant and logical person. This is not to say there should be a more dominant and ‘obedient’, there should always be equal power, but it’s only human for a man to want to provide for and protect their woman and it’s only human for a woman to want to cherish, support and be cared for.

If a lady doesn’t want to be that way inclined, that’s fine. But don’t expect to be happy in a relationship with a man who is also dominant and decisive, strong and hands-on. In this circumstance, the only way your relationship is truly going to work is if the man is more feminine than yourself: more emotional, more dependant, more needing etc. 

just because we’re attracted to the opposite sex and they confuse us definitely does not mean we need to be resilient to them. It seems this is what internet and media culture teaches us we’re supposed to do, but NO NO NO the way forward is as it’s always been: experiment, accept, enjoy, feel, be free with one another.

We’re all fools to each other for not just accepting each other the way we are. Be chill. Enjoy each other’s company and everything else becomes pleasurable.


The Joy Of Egotistic Companions

If you just accept and be happy for people who are egotistical or over-confident and not see them as a threat to your ego or identity then you’ll probably find those people exciting to be around, if you let the self-esteem, confidence & high energies wash over you then you will feel a lot better than somebody who fights the perceived threat and turns it into a negative.

A lot of fuck ups in this world come from people listening to their ego’s telling them something is offensive or threatening to their identity. Identity isn’t real, it can’t be hurt. Even other people’s perceptions of you don’t exist if you don’t allow them to. The only things that are real are what you allow to be.

Next time somebody is being what you consider a jerk in the sense of over-confidence take a step back and ask why you feel that way. Is it on a societal level, so they’re expressing themselves out of the normally excepted spectrum and is that really so bad (if they’re not aggressive in nature)?

Is it your own ego telling you it’s being threatened? - in my experience if you don’t allow yourself to be threatened when your ego feels it; that can prevent escalation to aggression or hostility because it keeps people in a higher state but in a positive manner. Higher state shared with another creates a bigger field of higher energy to draw from.

It’s a discipline, to be aware of (and a lot of the time overriding) that voice in your head. It’s a massive protection mechanism to keep you comfortable, and comfortable in civilisation is not being happy or healthy. Don’t be a programmed slave to your brainwashed consciousness. Take back control of your mind and learn to override your conditioned autopilot.

Watching Celebrity Juice Tonight

I have always been the person who avoids this at all costs. I’ve seen it as mind pollution brainwashing society to act like fucking soulless, tunnel-visioned morons. But just went downstairs and it was on and thought why I take myself and everything else so seriously sometimes? If I’m truly to be free from societal norms then I need to allow my mind the freedom to not take things seriously; and also to rise above the bullshit that sometimes is spurted out that is detrimental to my preferred paradigms. 

As an extreme example, it’s about becoming that guy who has a gun to his head backed by a frantic lunatic and you can just shrug your shoulders, careless of whether it happens or not and when the perpetrator realises your lack of raised energy it instantly calms them down.

As a less extreme example, it’s about becoming the guy who can take all kinds of abuse from a girl they’re with, her saying some real dark shit and smashing things up; and you just shake your head look her in the eyes and appreciate her emotions whatever they are and have the clarity of mind to handle the situation.

It’s about not letting shit outside your own energy effect you in any way. 

"I go beyond the fears and limitations of other people"Elliott Hulse

"Other peoples opinions of me are none of my business." - Unknown

Coming back to Celebrity Juice - when I did watch it tonight, I found a lot of it funny. This reminded me that I need to sometimes spend time watching things that are comedic and take a break from the serious self-progressive stuff I’m usually well into and just take some time to laugh and be silly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a stiff… 80% of my day is made up of banter and if people aren’t into it then they usually don’t stick around my presence long. I love to have a laugh and people know me that way, but there’s always room to elevate that state when rooted deep into my character is a driven, focused and self-improving virtue. 

I’m not even trying to make a funny programme deep here, or compromising with myself for enjoying it. I’ve just realised that it’ll benefit my character to be comfortable enough that watching/listening to/participating in something will not be enough to change my character, virtues and purpose. Once you get the foundation of those things down anything you do will only help you improve your being.

Calm Down

I can’t keep up with my ego’s lust for the taste of adrenaline and intense social stimulus, or what I thought was a higher state; it’s very mentally draining. Sustained artificial high then a massive crash to recuperate. Emotional roller coaster. Going out to try and find a reason not to anymore. Calm down. Alcohol eliminates virtuous character. Lose a sense of self, purpose and directional focus. Peaked too early and my egotistical cruise control kicked in. If there’s elements of regret it can’t be healthy.

A Revisited & Considered In 2014 New Years Resolution From 2012/3

New Years Resolution 2012/3

1. Keep focus on training karate. At least twice a week but more whenever possible. 

[2014 Update: Was training 4 days a week for the start of 2014 now seemingly down to 3 days again because Mark has pulled out of Friday’s. When driving I can train another day with Gerry as he offered hopefully to get it back up to 4.]

2. Get back in the gym in the mornings. Compound weight exercises & jogging.

[2014 Update: Not going to the gym much at all lately. Will do on Friday evenings from now on - will go to 24 hour gym next month to sign up.]

3. Get on a healthy diet. Something big for breakfast (eggs or porridge), clean snacking - only eat out once a week.

[2014 Update: Diet isn’t as clean as I was thinking back then and big breakfast isn’t any longer something I feel important, I go for a few carbs in the morning with lemon water & supplements to tie me over until a mid-morning snack with some protein. Trying to cut down on unhealthy snacks - have seeds on desk.]

4. Only drink once a week. No more lunchtime pints.

[2014: No longer having lunchtime pints but have been hitting the drink hard lately. I’m more worried about my weekend binges and the person I’m becoming with them though so at the moment so my focus is to stop heavy drinking at the weekend, starting with a couple of weeks off drinking currently. My big enemy is shots. They needs to stop. Remember the reason for going out is to work the game, not get drunk & try to fight everybody.]

5. Get driving lessons completed & get on road.

[2014: Still battling this one hard. Test April 10th. Really trying to get my head into it and get it right now.]

6. Look for a 9-5 in the music business domain.

[Applied for a Chichester job, the first opening I’ve seen locally, but no reply. Can work harder on this once driving.]

7. Stop smoking altogether, always feel guilty it’s going to effect my training & that’s the most important thing.

[I do not smoke at all now. I’ve never been a cigarette smoker but had the occasional cigar or sometimes some weed if I was really drunk in 2012 & 2013. I now do not touch either but have been tempted to when really drunk, another reason I know I’m not being myself when I’ve had too much to drink.]

8. Spend more time making music.

[Still really need to do this. Even one day a week would be an accomplishment now and that’s what I’m going to aim for.]

9. Get b-dem up to at least 2000 followers on facebook. Move to next, more radical business plans.

[Currently at just under 800. Will work on marketing and advertising over the next couple of months to really try to boost that up.]


The thing about this video… I have days like this once maybe twice a week, the other five, at the moment, I’m sitting on my arse in a call centre. Not to say that’s all I do. I train 5 days a week, I socialise, I watch football, I run BDEM & work on that as a business, I make music and market that as a business, I’m doing driving lessons, I read… All sorts of shit. I’m 24 years old, by the time I’m 30 this call centre shit has to stop. I have to be well on top of my game. I have to be running things. BDEM and the rest of it needs to be full time. I can do this shit and I work my arse off. Just need the click, the point where the universe decided to coincide and slot into my zone. It will happen.

Do dream about their artificial romances? If so, does their subconscious believe it may have been more than just an act?

Pop Music Songwriting Underground Producer With Controversy

Feel like I’m making music on a whole different level this year. I’ve never had a problem with writing loops and allowing for melodic fluency from my vocalist partners or sample cutting in the past, and still don’t, but lately I’ve taken to writing constantly evolving melodies throughout whole tracks as I’m making them. I’m not going to lie it’s more of a ‘pop music songwriting’ take on making music but fucking hell it’s challenging to the brain and the projects I’ve started through doing it are taking a long time but I’m going to feel so proud when they’re done!

Ask yourself, ‘If I were dangerous, would this woman be safe in this space with me?’ If the answer is no, then it isn’t appropriate to approach her.

Got comfortable watching those purdy ladies skating. Hugged me in an enticing warmth like a hallucinogenic trip of classical music, pretty faces, bums & thighs.