Although last week I had a day off work, I still feel like I’m working too much. My time management is wrong & I’m starting to feel even more detached from my job, the elements of things I don’t like about it are really tilting the scales compared to those I do.
The job itself I don’t mind to be fair, it’s the amount of time it takes out of my life where I could be doing so much more, so many progressive things for my life, my only life!
I know this is how life is for the majority of people. You go to work, do your 8 hours of the day, bare your teeth through it, the rest of the time is yours. Fuck… That’s not enough time. I’ve got to train to look after my physical needs. I’ve got to make music to look after my need to fulfil my purpose & my creative needs. I’ve got to socialise to look after my emotional needs. I’ve got to meditate to look after my psychological needs. And they’re not even mentioning the various other skills I like to learn and sharpen, or gathering information to strengthen my knowledge & character.
Maybe I’m just bitter I’m not as successful as I wanted to be at this stage of my life. Caught in the game, doesn’t matter how much determination or how much I try I’m still only snail pacing closer to the life I want to be living.
I’ve been reading a lot of psychological, intense & contemplative literature recently. I hadn’t noticed but spending too much time focusing (not even on one specific thing) has slowly gnawed my mind into a form of overdrive. I watched my thoughts & realised I’m constantly thinking again. Not just obsessively over specific things (which has been present), but just whenever my mind has a chance to rest I’ve forced it to think about something. I managed to get over this with meditation and watching thoughts previously but have slipped badly into an ‘overdrive’ state.
You don’t notice that things as simple as letting your brain run without being aware of it can push you into a state approaching stress.
I will again start to simplify, relax and exist. These are the cycles, they can’t always be peak.
My plan for now is to read some more fiction, to give my brain a break from the literal and academic. I’m going to start meditating for a short period again every evening and start giving myself at least an evening a week dedicated just to music.
I also need to start finding a sanctuary. Somewhere I can be on my own, be healthy, make music, practice meditation & train.
There’s an element inside me, which seems ever-growing, which knows how much bigger the world is than the office job that I’ve come to cage myself into.
The fear of losing the work is fading and the longing for spending more time outside is blooming.
I need to be creative in more volume again.
I need more time to train.
One of these days.
The saying itself is one that I’ve heard often throughout my life but I’ve always taken it for granted imagining young teenagers hanging around with the local thugs taking drugs & smashing up phoneboxes. But it’s in everyday civilised life that it’s proving true to me. To put this in perspective, I often read successful people saying that you’re only as successful as the people you associate with. I’ve stupidly ignored this advice by involving myself in jobs ‘that I’m only doing to pay the bills’.
These jobs are ones which are static & lead to no progression in the company and the products are beneficial to nobody except the profit-making owner. The people these jobs attract are often rude & self-centred and don’t hold the morals I do. You get the occasional person come through who are nice, but they never stick around, whereas for some reason (I’d like to say loyalty but it’s more likely laziness or fear of not having a job) I do.
Associating with the types of people who work in this place has effected me by making me lower my general standards & change my mindset to a negative one… I’m slowly becoming these people I spend the majority of my day with. Until now I have never thought of it from this standpoint, I’ve thought it’s just been me being indisciplined & turning into an arsehole as a fault of my own the whole time, but now I’ve noticed my whole paradigm may have been shifting to fit the jigsaw pieces of my colleagues.
I’ve noticed that when I’m with more ‘classy’ people, I turn back into the polite, confident & generally happier person I want to be.
Having realised these things I have decided upon a plan to overcome this & be happier again as myself:
My priority is now to find a new job. I have already begun this search & have updated my cv & obtained advice to try & make it as appealing as possible to employers.
I am no longer going to go out drinking locally. I rarely go home without getting in trouble of some kind, I will save money that will instead be used for more important things such as driving lessons & martial arts classes.
I will try & remain positive in my current workplace until I get out of there & if that’s really not possible I will hand my notice in next week regardless.